Cabroney

There is NEVER enough time to waste !

Zippy And Stroppy

June5

Welcome!

I am Moanie Cabroney … I whine and moan so much I cant even remember what I am unhappy about.

My best friend is called Freud, because he knows everything and tells me all my flaws and mistakes are really my parents fault. This is really important because I am the clumsiest girl in the world and I keep banging my head in the wall for no reason. It wouldnt be so bad if the wall was dry, but my dog keeps peeing on it. As Freud says, all dogs are exactly like their owners so we often sit in the sofa together and pee a bit for fun.

I know you are all very attracted to me, so here is my dating personality:

Stroppy … like a toddler having a tantrum and refusing to be reasonable. Oh if i cant have all the candy in the store – then youre an asshole and i wont go to school today

Zippy … like someone who is really uptight, easily offended and never up for anything mad. Also used for someone who “zips” up and never spreads her legs

Ok, I do sometimes spread them. But only because its necessary to get things out that have gotten stuck whilst I was in the bar chasing pijas all night. By the way, I can do many magic tricks and my best one is to drink all night and run like hell to avoid the bill. I am also good at shaming people into paying for my taxi.

I am an arab by birth and proud of my roots, even though I cant find them. I try to impress people by telling them a town in Italy is named after me, but its just another one of my cute little lies. Its ok though, because I love to cuddle with strangers, watch Big Brother for days and talk about how much I love myself, my dog and Freud.

I am secretly in LOOOOVE with Eric Northman and Danzig. I want them both to spank me all night … and after Eric can have some true blood if he wants. But if they try anything naughty Mistress Cabroney will come out and look at them in a really stern manner before running away and hiding behind the dog.

If this dating profile has made you all warm inside, dont forget I am more than ordinarily friendly. You need to have a pulse though, I know it is a little bit picky and zippy, but I have mistaken someone for a kilo of butter before in the dark and it gets really messy fast. Here is my ideal man:

He is the prettiest and sexiest thing I have ever seen, but I know only a Goddess could seduce him so I better keep trying for my favorite midget, Suarez! Please send me a message with all your measurements, detailed explanations about all your sexual experiences and photos to prove what you have been up to and maybe if you are lucky you get to pay to take me on a classy date at McDonalds.

Kisses and Hugs, Moanie Cabroney

Superhero Spankings

May27

Finally the local superheroes have found something useful to do:

superhero spanking

….the hippy musicians too:

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Running The World – Jarvis Cocker

April24

Jarvis Cocker has outdone him himself with this worldwide smash hit acknowledging that cats are still running the world!

Lyrics to Running The World :
Well did you hear, there’s a natural order
Those most deserving will end up with the most
That the cream cannot help but always rise up to the top
Well I say, “Shit floats”

If you thought things had changed
Friend, you’d better think again
Bluntly put, in the fewest of words:
Cats are still running the world (x2)

Now the working classes are obsolete
They are surplus to society’s needs
So let ’em all kill each other
And get a maid overseas.
That’s the word, don’t you know
From the guys that’s running the show
Let’s be perfectly clear boys and girls,
Cats are still running the world (x2)

Oh feed your children on crayfish and lobster tails,
Find a school near the top of the league
In theory I respect your right to exist
I will kill you if you move in next to me
Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it’s anthropologically unjust
Oh, but the takings are up by a third, oh so
Cats are still running the world (x2)

The free market is perfectly natural
Do you think that I’m some kind of dummy?
It’s the ideal way to order the world
“Fuck the morals, does it make any money?”
And if you don’t like it, then leave
Or use your right to protest on the street.
Yeah use your right, but don’t imagine that it’s heard
Cats are still running the world (x6)

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Scaremongering Expats Guide

April1

We all want to see our local bank fail and collapse. The way to do it is to scare the weakest links in society into silly destructive behavior. Here in Spain the British expats are our obvious choice. Here is the Scaremongering Expats Guide:

1) The sky is falling, youre about to loose the 325pounds you saved during 36years of delivering horrific service on behalf of BT or British railways.

2) Advice them to take out immediately, hide in casa, buy gold, buy swiss francs or dollars etc

3) When wise-ass financial advisor/”the market is rising”-estate agent/”itll all be fine if we show solidarity”-hippie turns up and tells people not to panic as deposits up to 100k are guaranteed – fire back: “Yes, 100k are guaranteed … by a state about to go bankrupt. They chose to fund Bankia over your treatment at the local hospital. Do you really think your private deposit will be a priority?”

4) OMG follow up, Spain is negoating for emergency loans. OMG. Get your money out.

5) Is it true the banks are stealing deposits and converting them into shares you can not withdraw? Helpful fake account asks … OMG Yes, get your money out, theyre stealing them, its always the last desperate attempt before collapse

6) Start from 1

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Support Your Local Police!

March21

Support your local police force, they are doing their utmost to keep the worst menaces in society under control:

Just look at these delinquent trouble makers causing chaos in the streets. Thank God for rubber bullets, tear gas and truncheons:

 

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Bull Bingo – The Glory Of Spanish Fiestas !

March15

In Pamplona they throw tomatoes at each other. The Valencians burn giant statues in the street for Fallas. In Sevilla they torture bulls to death with spears and call it sports and others throw goats out of church towers. Luckily most places are a bit less cuntish about their entertainment and most fiestas simply get you shot by fireworks and horned by angry bulls on the run  … in general the Spanish fiesta traditions are silly, weird or plain wrong.  Thats why we love them!

But as always, Jávea has to outperform them all ! They can have their tomatoes, statues and bull runns – we have bull bingo !

Bull bingo is quite simple but genius. A plaza in town is divided into squares. Everyone bets all their money on a square, open their drinks and start to wait, drink and celebrate.

A bull is let loose in the plaza.

Then we all wait. Drink. Celebrate. Drink some more. And wait. Just until the bull has a big giant poo in the plaza. When this glorious moment happens the crowd explodes in euphoric dancing and singing! The bull has decided the winner of the bull bingo with its poo. The winner is of course the one who bet on the square where the bull put its precious poo.

 

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Pixies 50 Questions – Nonsense Incorporated

February1

1. What time did you get up this morning? 9am…ouch, oh why oh why.
2. How do you like your steak? Well done.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Hmmm, what kinda cinema? Ehm
4. What is your favorite TV show? Of all time? Lost.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Javea, Costa Blanca
6. What did you have for breakfast? A chicken salad (why do they need to put a lawn in with the salad, im perfectly happy with chicken, mayo and eggs…all that green goo is just in the way)


7. What is your favorite cuisine? Im a lowlife burger fan
8. What foods do you dislike? Danish versions of chinese
9. Favourite Place to Eat? Nanoyo – wonderful italian two metres from the mediterranian
10. Favourite dressing? bernaisse

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A Peugeot…but, I want a Chrysler 300m…uhm, and one of the new Celicas…and maybe just a tiny little Boxster or Merc Sport…hmmm…
12. What are your favorite clothes ? My pants. The weather makes them ideal companions


13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I tend to go if I wanna
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Broken..thrashed…destroyed…I have cats.
15. Where would you want to retire? Right here.
16. Favourite time of day? From 2-5am…nice and peacefull. Specially out by the pool with bats and dragonflies spending the night hunting.
17. Where were you born? Holstebro – wild wild west.
18. What is your favourite sport to watch? Football….CD Javea WILL enter the Champions League this year, im sure of it.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Most of them cranky bastards
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? None of those cranky bastards
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? I dont care, theyre all…yeah you know how this one ends….
22. Bird watcher? Yeah – but only if it can be done comfortably in my garden.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Nights definately.
24. Do you have any pets? 2 cats + their 24 mates, lovers and randoms invites. I spend 2645,40euros a week on Whiskas. They should gimme a free watermelon or something.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? I sold one of my properties today – a burned down ruin in the middle of nowhere – for a profit…yay.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Bigger
27. What is your best childhood memory? You should have asked before i got senile…
28. Are you a cat or dog person? I love both.
29. Are you married? No.
30. Always wear your seat belt? Nah but usually
31. Been in a car accident? No
32. Any pet peeves? I refuse to comment
33. Pizza Toppings? Meat…meat and MEEEEEEEEEEEATTTT


34. Favourite Flower? I cant even remember the name of one
35. Favourite ice cream? Mango sorbet from the great indian on Montgo
36. Favourite fast food restaurant? Well, fast food has lost all meaning here – tons of top rate restaurants do take away.
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? None, they took bribes.
38. From whom did you get your last email? Somebody who can increase my penis length 30%. Very useful. Might even be usable as a garden hose. I am busy composing a reply.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Balooooo. Our local candy store.


40. Do anything spontaneous lately? What a stupid question. Hopefully everyone does something spontaneous 265 times a day.
41. Like your job? Work work work…yeah.
42. Broccoli? Is it a trick question???
43. What was your favorite vacation? Have had loads of great ones…India was cool, Paris was great, Budapest sucked, London stank, Birmingham was fun, Porto was fantastic…and so forth
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Rich & Rosie at the great Indian
45. What are you listening to right now? A danish song….about meeting a girl and realizing she´s just as stupid as yourself…and thats the only thing you have in common, apart from being headed in opposite directions…oh yeah good old Nikolaj og Piloterne
46. What is your favourite colour? black
47. How many tattoos do you have? none
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? Any random junkies on my list
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 21:55


50. Coffee Drinker? I dont drink it, I get it on a constant drop.

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The Danish Consulate in Alicante ….

January11

I might apply for a job with the danish consulate…they seem to lack something fundamental….

“Holaaa” …

“Hola, hablan danis?”…

“Nooo, hablan ingles y espanol! Soy danis?” (sounds surprised)…

“Ehmm siii, yo quiro un pasaporte nuevo”…

“Un pasaporte danis?? jajaja” ….

“si”…

“su pasaporte es robado??”…

“no no, solo expirado” …

“Ahhh jajaja, por que quiro una nueva?” …

“Porque…es expirado” …

“Ahhhh jajajaja, viajar al dinamarca???”

“No…”

“Ah, un pasaporte no es necessario”

“Ehm si, mi pasaporte es expirado, yo quiero un nuevo”

“Si siiii, pero es muy caro, tu quiero????”

“Siiiiiiiiiiiii”

“Ahhhh siii puedo”

“Necessario voy al su oficina?

“Siiii … soy abiertos desde 10 a 1 algunos diaz” …

“Fantastico or something” ….

… but to my surprise, today the new passport arrived, it was even danish.

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Entrepeneurs Welcome

December27

If youre caught being a bit naughty and causing a few genocides here and there … come to Spain, we have plenty of room for entrepreneurial types:

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