Breaking news: El Gordo MUST soon be referred to as most divine father Reverend Gordo. El Gordo is negotiating the higher powers for ordination via a highly reputable online God outlet. In layman’s terms – its a perfect God In A Box package!
This is a heavenly opportunity, not only do they give you this ordination that allows you to baptize, marry or just preach annoyingly to people … they also sell Godly accessories such as wedding music, you get to choose your own title and you can even be an official notarized preacher-man thingie in Hawaii or Nevada (Nevada is 25usd extra though which is quite reasonable given the dangers of marauding indians, casino sharks and brothel owners).
But there are some stumbling blocks in the negotiations with the God shop.
El Gordo requests for the ultimate God in A Box package:
- I want a viking hat on my certificate
- I want the song Run Baby Run on my “Love Notes Wedding” CD
- An online divorce plugin (in case she lied about her ironing skills)
- I want a letter of infallibility
They offer 2 kinds of certificates to choose between but neither seem appropriate for a serious reverend like El Gordo. The first one has a giant cross on it, which is entirely unacceptable as El Gordo does not believe the strange fairy tale about a hippie carpenter dragging bondage furniture around a busy pedestrian street. I know 50 Shades of Gray is quite popular but that is just a bit too sleazy for a solemn occasion like this. The other certificate has a socialist rose formed like a clenched fist which is probably nice for the anarcho-syndikalist segment, but for us peaceful people it seems a little bit too aggressive.
On the upside you get various extras such as certificates made with very pretty clipart and oversized windows fonts to make it suitably tacky, the glorious shiny wedding ring business cards and even a Ph.D doctorate in theological philosophy for just 90dollars extra.
For only 33 dollars a year El Gordo gets to preach his words of wisdom and baptize all the sinners he meets in return for modest bribes. You can become a respectable clerk of the church too – just have a look at all the excellent Hotline To God Services on offer!