Cabroney

There is NEVER enough time to waste !

Reverend Gordo – God In A Box!

July20

Breaking news: El Gordo MUST soon be referred to as most divine father Reverend Gordo. El Gordo is negotiating the higher powers for ordination via a highly reputable online God outlet. In layman’s terms – its a perfect God In A Box package!

This is a heavenly opportunity, not only do they give you this ordination that allows you to baptize, marry or just preach annoyingly to people … they also sell Godly accessories such as wedding music, you get to choose your own title and you can even be an official notarized preacher-man thingie in Hawaii or Nevada (Nevada is 25usd extra though which is quite reasonable given the dangers of marauding indians, casino sharks and brothel owners).

But there are some stumbling blocks in the negotiations with the God shop.

El Gordo requests for the ultimate God in A Box package:

  • I want a viking hat on my certificate
  • I want the song Run Baby Run on my “Love Notes Wedding” CD
  • An online divorce plugin (in case she lied about her ironing skills)
  • I want a letter of infallibility

They offer 2 kinds of certificates to choose between but neither seem appropriate for a serious reverend like El Gordo. The first one has a giant cross on it, which is entirely unacceptable as El Gordo does not believe the strange fairy tale about a hippie carpenter dragging bondage furniture around a busy pedestrian street. I know 50 Shades of Gray is quite popular but that is just a bit too sleazy for a solemn occasion like this. The other certificate has a socialist rose formed like a clenched fist which is probably nice for the anarcho-syndikalist segment, but for us peaceful people it seems a little bit too aggressive.

On the upside you get various extras such as certificates made with very pretty clipart and oversized windows fonts to make it suitably tacky, the glorious shiny wedding ring business cards and even a Ph.D doctorate in theological philosophy for just 90dollars extra.

For only 33 dollars a year El Gordo gets to preach his words of wisdom and baptize all the sinners he meets in return for modest bribes. You can become a respectable clerk of the church too – just have a look at all the excellent Hotline To God Services on offer!

 

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Guide To Spanish Victory!

June30

Guide To Spanish Victory! The glory will return in 1 simple step, listen and learn Del Bosque!

Send Torres over to give Balotelli a big slobbery kiss and criticize his haircut
… Balotelli will be out with a red card & Torres will be out with a cracked skull … both helps ensure Spanish victory!

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The Heating Is Bust ….

June26

The heating is bust in your house… what to do? Well it depends …

If you´re …
German: Ordnung muss sein!!! I stand here screaming insults into the air until someone fixes it

English: This is an outrage! I´m gonna find out what the government is gonna do about it immediately

Spanish: Manana, Manana, I might look at fixing it tomorrow after siesta

Danish: Its fucking cold. WTF. Im having another beer.

Japanese: I knew it would break and replaced it yesterday with a nuclear quantum physics system feeding on particles from another solar system

Russian: I´m sending my friend in the dark-blue BMW to kneecap the guy who installed it

Welsh: Me and my sheep never have it on anyway

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Good News For Spanish Banks

June10

Good News For Spanish Banks today: All deposits in Spanish banks are now classed as charity contributions !

Local bankers on the way to work:

Put all your money into Bankia and get a free voucher for a bottle of absinthe and the book “1-2-3 Dummies Guide To Investments:  Daft, Dense and Dopey – Bankia is for you!”

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Running The World – Jarvis Cocker

April24

Jarvis Cocker has outdone him himself with this worldwide smash hit acknowledging that cats are still running the world!

Lyrics to Running The World :
Well did you hear, there’s a natural order
Those most deserving will end up with the most
That the cream cannot help but always rise up to the top
Well I say, “Shit floats”

If you thought things had changed
Friend, you’d better think again
Bluntly put, in the fewest of words:
Cats are still running the world (x2)

Now the working classes are obsolete
They are surplus to society’s needs
So let ’em all kill each other
And get a maid overseas.
That’s the word, don’t you know
From the guys that’s running the show
Let’s be perfectly clear boys and girls,
Cats are still running the world (x2)

Oh feed your children on crayfish and lobster tails,
Find a school near the top of the league
In theory I respect your right to exist
I will kill you if you move in next to me
Ah, it stinks, it sucks, it’s anthropologically unjust
Oh, but the takings are up by a third, oh so
Cats are still running the world (x2)

The free market is perfectly natural
Do you think that I’m some kind of dummy?
It’s the ideal way to order the world
“Fuck the morals, does it make any money?”
And if you don’t like it, then leave
Or use your right to protest on the street.
Yeah use your right, but don’t imagine that it’s heard
Cats are still running the world (x6)

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Scaremongering Expats Guide

April1

We all want to see our local bank fail and collapse. The way to do it is to scare the weakest links in society into silly destructive behavior. Here in Spain the British expats are our obvious choice. Here is the Scaremongering Expats Guide:

1) The sky is falling, youre about to loose the 325pounds you saved during 36years of delivering horrific service on behalf of BT or British railways.

2) Advice them to take out immediately, hide in casa, buy gold, buy swiss francs or dollars etc

3) When wise-ass financial advisor/”the market is rising”-estate agent/”itll all be fine if we show solidarity”-hippie turns up and tells people not to panic as deposits up to 100k are guaranteed – fire back: “Yes, 100k are guaranteed … by a state about to go bankrupt. They chose to fund Bankia over your treatment at the local hospital. Do you really think your private deposit will be a priority?”

4) OMG follow up, Spain is negoating for emergency loans. OMG. Get your money out.

5) Is it true the banks are stealing deposits and converting them into shares you can not withdraw? Helpful fake account asks … OMG Yes, get your money out, theyre stealing them, its always the last desperate attempt before collapse

6) Start from 1

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Bull Bingo – The Glory Of Spanish Fiestas !

March15

In Pamplona they throw tomatoes at each other. The Valencians burn giant statues in the street for Fallas. In Sevilla they torture bulls to death with spears and call it sports and others throw goats out of church towers. Luckily most places are a bit less cuntish about their entertainment and most fiestas simply get you shot by fireworks and horned by angry bulls on the run  … in general the Spanish fiesta traditions are silly, weird or plain wrong.  Thats why we love them!

But as always, Jávea has to outperform them all ! They can have their tomatoes, statues and bull runns – we have bull bingo !

Bull bingo is quite simple but genius. A plaza in town is divided into squares. Everyone bets all their money on a square, open their drinks and start to wait, drink and celebrate.

A bull is let loose in the plaza.

Then we all wait. Drink. Celebrate. Drink some more. And wait. Just until the bull has a big giant poo in the plaza. When this glorious moment happens the crowd explodes in euphoric dancing and singing! The bull has decided the winner of the bull bingo with its poo. The winner is of course the one who bet on the square where the bull put its precious poo.

 

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Pixies 50 Questions – Nonsense Incorporated

February1

1. What time did you get up this morning? 9am…ouch, oh why oh why.
2. How do you like your steak? Well done.
3. What was the last film you saw at the cinema? Hmmm, what kinda cinema? Ehm
4. What is your favorite TV show? Of all time? Lost.
5. If you could live anywhere in the world where would it be? Javea, Costa Blanca
6. What did you have for breakfast? A chicken salad (why do they need to put a lawn in with the salad, im perfectly happy with chicken, mayo and eggs…all that green goo is just in the way)


7. What is your favorite cuisine? Im a lowlife burger fan
8. What foods do you dislike? Danish versions of chinese
9. Favourite Place to Eat? Nanoyo – wonderful italian two metres from the mediterranian
10. Favourite dressing? bernaisse

11.What kind of vehicle do you drive? A Peugeot…but, I want a Chrysler 300m…uhm, and one of the new Celicas…and maybe just a tiny little Boxster or Merc Sport…hmmm…
12. What are your favorite clothes ? My pants. The weather makes them ideal companions


13. Where would you visit if you had the chance? I tend to go if I wanna
14. Cup 1/2 empty or 1/2 full? Broken..thrashed…destroyed…I have cats.
15. Where would you want to retire? Right here.
16. Favourite time of day? From 2-5am…nice and peacefull. Specially out by the pool with bats and dragonflies spending the night hunting.
17. Where were you born? Holstebro – wild wild west.
18. What is your favourite sport to watch? Football….CD Javea WILL enter the Champions League this year, im sure of it.
19. Who do you think will not tag you back? Most of them cranky bastards
20. Person you expect to tag you back first? None of those cranky bastards
21. Who are you most curious about their responses to this? I dont care, theyre all…yeah you know how this one ends….
22. Bird watcher? Yeah – but only if it can be done comfortably in my garden.
23. Are you a morning person or a night person? Nights definately.
24. Do you have any pets? 2 cats + their 24 mates, lovers and randoms invites. I spend 2645,40euros a week on Whiskas. They should gimme a free watermelon or something.

25. Any new and exciting news you’d like to share? I sold one of my properties today – a burned down ruin in the middle of nowhere – for a profit…yay.

26. What did you want to be when you were little? Bigger
27. What is your best childhood memory? You should have asked before i got senile…
28. Are you a cat or dog person? I love both.
29. Are you married? No.
30. Always wear your seat belt? Nah but usually
31. Been in a car accident? No
32. Any pet peeves? I refuse to comment
33. Pizza Toppings? Meat…meat and MEEEEEEEEEEEATTTT


34. Favourite Flower? I cant even remember the name of one
35. Favourite ice cream? Mango sorbet from the great indian on Montgo
36. Favourite fast food restaurant? Well, fast food has lost all meaning here – tons of top rate restaurants do take away.
37. How many times did you fail your driver’s test? None, they took bribes.
38. From whom did you get your last email? Somebody who can increase my penis length 30%. Very useful. Might even be usable as a garden hose. I am busy composing a reply.
39. Which store would you choose to max out your credit card? Balooooo. Our local candy store.


40. Do anything spontaneous lately? What a stupid question. Hopefully everyone does something spontaneous 265 times a day.
41. Like your job? Work work work…yeah.
42. Broccoli? Is it a trick question???
43. What was your favorite vacation? Have had loads of great ones…India was cool, Paris was great, Budapest sucked, London stank, Birmingham was fun, Porto was fantastic…and so forth
44. Last person you went out to dinner with? Rich & Rosie at the great Indian
45. What are you listening to right now? A danish song….about meeting a girl and realizing she´s just as stupid as yourself…and thats the only thing you have in common, apart from being headed in opposite directions…oh yeah good old Nikolaj og Piloterne
46. What is your favourite colour? black
47. How many tattoos do you have? none
48. How many are you tagging for this quiz? Any random junkies on my list
49. What time did you finish this quiz? 21:55


50. Coffee Drinker? I dont drink it, I get it on a constant drop.

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Entrepeneurs Welcome

December27

If youre caught being a bit naughty and causing a few genocides here and there … come to Spain, we have plenty of room for entrepreneurial types:

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