Cabroney

There is NEVER enough time to waste !

Dating Advice For Friends

January31

Giving dating advice to friends … Im an expert you see:

Her: I have a date tomorrow! wooo!! lol
Me: YAY YAY Who is it.
Her: A guy from Boston thats living here for some reason contacted me via a dating site lol
Me: Going somewhere nice?
Her: I choose the place some nice pub probably
Me: dinner or drinks?
Her: Cheap beer (as he said) lol
Me: awwww lol i know you dont like to, but you should consider changing your crusty knickers and trim your wild forest nose hair first. I know you like the natural look, but just in case
Her: Looool I dont know, maybe, I might even take a shower
Me: Dont go over the top now, it will seem staged
Her: Hahah true, Gotta remain true to myself
Me: I hope it works out though, drinks-sex-marriage … all in 24hours. Tomorrow we can plan the names of the twins
Her: I wont sleep with him thats for sure
Her: But ill get married if he asks
Her: (imagine for a second someobe reads this whole conversation…lol)
Me: They will …

…Its happening tonight. I will keep you posted.

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Zomby Cabroney

October31

Happy halloween to all the cabroneys out there!!!

 

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New Service: Horn The Bums

July25

New Jávea Service:  Send your kids to have their bums horned by jolly bulls.

Horning your kids bum has many advantage:

  • Avoid paying double for clothes full of casual holes, the bulls make them for free
  • The kids wont be tempted to steal your best chair for at least 2 weeks guaranteed
  • It naturally teaches the boys never to turn around when asked not to

Good clean family entertainment you can trust in Jávea !

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Reverend Gordo – God In A Box!

July20

Breaking news: El Gordo MUST soon be referred to as most divine father Reverend Gordo. El Gordo is negotiating the higher powers for ordination via a highly reputable online God outlet. In layman’s terms – its a perfect God In A Box package!

This is a heavenly opportunity, not only do they give you this ordination that allows you to baptize, marry or just preach annoyingly to people … they also sell Godly accessories such as wedding music, you get to choose your own title and you can even be an official notarized preacher-man thingie in Hawaii or Nevada (Nevada is 25usd extra though which is quite reasonable given the dangers of marauding indians, casino sharks and brothel owners).

But there are some stumbling blocks in the negotiations with the God shop.

El Gordo requests for the ultimate God in A Box package:

  • I want a viking hat on my certificate
  • I want the song Run Baby Run on my “Love Notes Wedding” CD
  • An online divorce plugin (in case she lied about her ironing skills)
  • I want a letter of infallibility

They offer 2 kinds of certificates to choose between but neither seem appropriate for a serious reverend like El Gordo. The first one has a giant cross on it, which is entirely unacceptable as El Gordo does not believe the strange fairy tale about a hippie carpenter dragging bondage furniture around a busy pedestrian street. I know 50 Shades of Gray is quite popular but that is just a bit too sleazy for a solemn occasion like this. The other certificate has a socialist rose formed like a clenched fist which is probably nice for the anarcho-syndikalist segment, but for us peaceful people it seems a little bit too aggressive.

On the upside you get various extras such as certificates made with very pretty clipart and oversized windows fonts to make it suitably tacky, the glorious shiny wedding ring business cards and even a Ph.D doctorate in theological philosophy for just 90dollars extra.

For only 33 dollars a year El Gordo gets to preach his words of wisdom and baptize all the sinners he meets in return for modest bribes. You can become a respectable clerk of the church too – just have a look at all the excellent Hotline To God Services on offer!

 

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Guide To Spanish Victory!

June30

Guide To Spanish Victory! The glory will return in 1 simple step, listen and learn Del Bosque!

Send Torres over to give Balotelli a big slobbery kiss and criticize his haircut
… Balotelli will be out with a red card & Torres will be out with a cracked skull … both helps ensure Spanish victory!

posted under Omnology | 1 Comment »

The Heating Is Bust ….

June26

The heating is bust in your house… what to do? Well it depends …

If you´re …
German: Ordnung muss sein!!! I stand here screaming insults into the air until someone fixes it

English: This is an outrage! I´m gonna find out what the government is gonna do about it immediately

Spanish: Manana, Manana, I might look at fixing it tomorrow after siesta

Danish: Its fucking cold. WTF. Im having another beer.

Japanese: I knew it would break and replaced it yesterday with a nuclear quantum physics system feeding on particles from another solar system

Russian: I´m sending my friend in the dark-blue BMW to kneecap the guy who installed it

Welsh: Me and my sheep never have it on anyway

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This is my right too

June20

Heavy cabroney is trying to take over this blog which is 50% mine by right. Yes, it was MY idea so now I will do what I do best: whine.

I think I chatted with this guy once

Today the moaning is about guys who lie over ICQ to have a cyber intimate relationship with you. They will talk to you saying they’re from countries they’re not, and in the end they all end up conffesing. You can spot them easily because they write like this “asl? how r u?”. It is so annoying. Since I am smart I know they are lying about everything so I tell them go fuck off.

A couple of times I got to talk to guys from super catholic countries from Africa. They were even worse than the catholic in the rest of the world and believed every literal thing from the bible so I had fun talking to them and asking stuff for my own amusement.

In other news the whether is horrible in this part of the world. Yes, its winter over here and people think because you live in South America everything is sun, beach and bananas. Well its not! Where I live the humidity level is 85% making the 2C feel like -15 and the rubbish part is that we don’t even have snow! So…we suffer from cold as any cold country but we don’t have the satisfaction of playing with snow and making snow men. I actually never seen snow in my whole life, why? WHY?

When you have a cabroney life like me, all you can do is moan and watch True Blood and Games of Thrones. And eat candy.

Please share your thoughts with us we are very interested in what you have to say,

Regards

Moanie Cabroney

 

 

Womens Toiletries – A Boy In A Womans World

June17

… I was invited to one of these cosy summer markets, this one a charity fair in support of some local womens shelters. The idea was to raise money from the stalls, a tombola and then get the attendees to bring some spare toiletries to be distributed across the shelters. It all sounded very positive and I promised to come and to bring some toiletries like everyone else.

All happy I went to the bathroom. But to my horror it turned out I had some roll-on deodorant, an aftershave also suitable to pour in cocktails and a stack of toilet paper – most of it unused. Already late and it was time to panic! I jumped in the car and drove at crazy speed to a nearby Spanish supermarket and rushed to the womens smell-good aisle, a territory yet unexplored … what a shock! For men theres a small shelve with 2 deodorants, a shampoo and a couple of razors to choose from … the womens isle is 600metres long and full to the brim with millions of creams, sprays, accessories and odd things I couldn’t possibly identify.

I stood there. Sweat pouring out, looking baffled and scared. The friendly and rather nice smelling shop assistant came over:

– Can I help you?
– Uhm I dont know, I need to buy some things for women
– For women? (she waved at her millions of products, gave me a funny look and wandered off)

I started at one end. Soon realizing that in the womens world everything is upside down – the less you get, the more you pay – the more subtle the hint, the better. Tiny little squeezy bottles without any indication of what they might do costs an average monthly wage, 5litres of clearly marked shampoo is largely given away.

It was a dilemma, I didn´t wanna buy pure crap, but equally I didnt have the faintest idea if the squeezy things were full of much needed heavenly cream or bacon wrapped chili sauce. I opted for variety and started filling the trolley with a random selection of small, medium and large bottles of this and that. I grabbed a small tube and tried to determine what it was.

– It is a cream against wrinkles! Does your wifes skin need help against wrinkles?
– Ehm, I dont know. I mean. Not really. I´ll take it….
– If the problems are bad enough to need that one, you will also need this cream to revitalize and keep it healthy in the sun
– I see … yeah, thats cool then, so I need two little ones … hmmm
– Yes but you might also be interested in this! (From the label it seemed to be some form of face mask and I kind of fancied the kinky turn the discussion had taken, but equally, just slightly inappropriate for the purpose)
– Ahhh, no thanks, I think I will stick to toiletries (I got some dirty looks and she walked off)

I was left to it, propped up the trolley with some bigger bottles and a few accessories I recognized from womens bathrooms, when noticing the shop assistant standing there monitoring my shopping spree with another official looking type. He came over:

– Hello Sir, Are you going to buy these things?
– Yes, that is the plan
– I must tell you we spend a lot of time stocking the shelves. Please do not just put things in your trolley for fun.
– Ehm no sorry, I mean. I’m not. They’re in my trolley because I am going to buy them
– You have several ladies shampoos in different brands, please dont make fun of us if you are not going to buy them. Please put them back.
– But I am. I am. I will buy them, I promise.
– You have at least 3 different creams for dry skin, a lady should stay with just one brand (the shop assistant felt the urge to join in)
– Yeah thats ok, they are for several different women …

The shop assistant looked at me in disgust, then back at the manager … and then they both turned around and walked off. I thought i´d seize the moment and make a run for it before they came back with a bouncer.  They probably could have sold me twice as much with a little positive guidance, but at least I made it out with a small selection of treasured toiletries and avoided looking bad by turning up without any.

A warning to all men though: Approach the womens isles with the biggest caution, they may smell nice and look appealing, but when you’re trapped in there on your own with nowhere to run – you’re nothing but a boy in a womans world! (…and im sure the poor recipients opened the toiletries and went: WTF Olive oil, wort cream and anti flea spray for cats !?!?!?)

Teulada – Beauty On The Inside ?

June15

The most glorious and beautiful town in Spain is Teulada. If you travel round Spain and simply hate all the “lovey dovey” outdoor cafés, despise how people pretty up their houses and all the annoying fiestas, Teulada is for you! Nothing ever happens in Teulada as its just too much of a downer to go out, but on the upside Teulada never looks tacky because it seems there are local laws against maintaining or decorating your property in any way.

Teulada is the perfect place for a therapy holiday. For instance, if you struggle to stay clinically depressed because of all the sunshine, beauty and happiness in Spain – Teulada is the ideal place for you. Just take a short walk through the run down deserted streets and like a miracle you will soon be swallowing kilos of happy pills! You will never suffer nasty sun burns in Teulada either, unlike in nasty towns like Moraira and Jávea, you get a natural aversion to ever going out in Teulada which works even better than suncream.

Holidays in Teulada are pleasantly cheap and great for loosing weight. You can spend an entire month strolling the streets of Teulada without finding a single shop that hasn’t long since shut down and been left to decay. We all love the splendid atmosphere created by white washed windows and empty stores, but it also has medical benefits for food addicts who simply wont be exposed to a single temptation. If you are fat and poor, Teulada is for you.

Some places build their holiday apartments with idiotic unnecessary air condition and other luxuries just to show off. In Teulada they have the perfectly ecofriendly and  sustainable solution. Simply forget to put the last of the 4-walls in and there´s fresh air for you and your family all through your dream holiday in Teulada.

What are you waiting for? Teulada is waiting in all its glory!

PS: A word of advice when going home from your holiday. The roads away from Teulada can be severely congested!

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Good News For Spanish Banks

June10

Good News For Spanish Banks today: All deposits in Spanish banks are now classed as charity contributions !

Local bankers on the way to work:

Put all your money into Bankia and get a free voucher for a bottle of absinthe and the book “1-2-3 Dummies Guide To Investments:  Daft, Dense and Dopey – Bankia is for you!”

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